Laundry Day reminds me of how much I love my kids.

Today as I strung our laundry my clothesline, I remembered how many times I have washed, dried, and smelled my children’s clothes….there is nothing lovelier than the sweetness of your own children.   I have been criticized before for saying that it was not my intention to ever have children, this statement is true.  As a teenager and young adult I did not want to have children…I had other plans, but for some reason today, I cannot remember what those plans were.

Motherhood has changed me greatly; yesterday I stood in my old high school gym and watched Lesse dribble the basketball down the same court that I played on as a child.  I could not help, but wipe the tear from my eye, I love being a MOM.  I love every minute of watching my children succeed, watching them learn, watching them love, and crazy as it sounds watching them fight.  

I may say that I never intended to be a mom, because that is true, but God had other plans and when my name was drawn for motherhood, I stepped up and took the challenge.

Dear Lesse & D-man,
Day after day we do not see eye to eye, you are both currently grounded from you IPods, frustrated that I won’t let you have that last soda in the fridge, and attempting convince PaPa that mommy is mean.  I smile smartly at you, as I know that you are just being my children and acting exactly how I expect you to act. 
I know in the near future we are going to have many disagreements and there may be a day that you question how much your momma loves you.  Today I am going to tell you how much I love you!
I love you so much that I climb your bunk beds to feed your fish that I despise.
I love you so much that I often roll over in my bed and find racecars, Tonka trucks, and tractors lined up next to me and just smile. 
I love you so much that I have not wore a normal color of nail polish in good while…neon pink seems to be my new style.
I love you so much that when I hear you giggle at 11 pm I may sigh aloud, but I secretly giggle inside.
I love you so much that I mop the bathroom twice a night every night….with bubble bath water. 
I love you so much that I often smell like sweaty little boy and mangos (mango is Lesse’s current perfume choice).I love you so much that I often wear mud prints from your dog all over me. 
I love you so much that instead of driving our truck up the road I often drive the tractor so that I can see you smile.
I love you so much that while you sleep I work, so while you play I can watch.
I love you so much that I secretly hate pop tarts, zebra cakes, nutty butter bars, but I eat them anyways.
I love you so much that I cannot remember to text my own friends, but I have text your friends every night this week to tell them you are grounded and will have to text them next week, but I will give you their message.I love you so much that I cannot remember the last time I read a book that had more than 10 pages and less than 10 pictures.
I love you so much that I know what is burdening your heart, I am praying for the same answer, and I cry because of your heartache. Kiddos, life is not fair, being a parent is hard….I wish that I could make things be easy for you.  I am doing the best I can at being a mommy, I am so proud of how strong, honest, and loving you two have become.  One day we will together look back on all the chaos that surrounds us, wipe our brow, and say we conquered this and we did it with dignity!    Love you bunches,
Mommy

Every Storm Runs Out of Rain....A Personal Note

Today just as the perfect moment I got a text from one of my closest friends in the world, the text simply said “Gary Allan, Every Storm, you gotta get it”.  I waited a bit then Google'd the song and the words made me breathless, I often tell my friends that it is a God thing when those moments happen. 

It has been so difficult for me to actually sit down and put into words the way I feel, not only this week, but also every week.  I fear saying the wrong thing for messing up the rest of my life, I fear not saying enough and shutting down mentally, and I fear that I step on toes or running off readers when I do talk.

I deep down inside believe that life is beautiful and living your life to the fullest does not mean that you have to have everything you just have to love what you do have.  My house, my home, my family, my kids, my world, and my heart has been hit and destroyed by one terrible storm.  Every day I wake up and I pray that this storm has just been a dream, and then I pray that God will give me strength to weather this storm, and lastly I pray that he will remind me to continue to have faith in him through this awful storm. 

Some days I feel like I am alone in this world, other days I feel like I am surrounded, or being closed in on and just want to be alone.  There are moments that I am raising my hands and praising God for all my blessings, then there are moments that I am raising my hands and “Why in the hell did this happen to me?”